Once we have cultivated sound bodies and minds, sound spirits await us. Join me for an exploration of the deep places where true connection lies.
“All I’m sayin’ is… if we published results from studies that were less polished, less perfect we’d be able to learn from each other’s mistakes… We’d have more realistic models for how to conduct research, and we’d be more motivated to pursue societally relevant research questions!” She was delivering her words slowly, losing air as she spoke her compelling, controversial opinion.
I was moved. “Good word!” I said, as I had many other times before.
She cocked her head. “Thanks,” her smile growing. “Bekah, what word exactly?”
“What? All of them. Together. Like ‘good message, good idea.’”
“Oh. Thank you.” She laughed.
“You guys have heard people say that before, right? Like, ‘Yeah,’ ‘true, true,’ ‘right,’ ‘exactly’, ‘on pointe’…but ‘good word!’”
“No, girl,” Shardey chimed in. “It’s a ‘you’ thing.”
Fast forward three months.
“I think they’re a useful tool just like any other.” We were onto workplace personality testing now. “They’re not good or bad or right or wrong. Nothing is that dichotomous. It’s not that we should never use them, it’s how we use them that’s important.” It felt good to say. I liked my idea.
Joel did, too, apparently: “Good word.”
My head spun toward him. We all laughed. And as the irony hit us, the chuckles rolled around the room again. We had an inside-joke now, and everybody got it. I was the butt of it, as usual, we all felt included, and we all laughed.
You don’t need me to tell you that when we’re stressed, exhausted, malnourished, or dehydrated, we laugh less. As someone prone to utterly overworking my body, I know this better than most. I’m sure I’ve gone weeks or even months without real laughter. You’d think I wouldn’t need to add that adjective ‘real,’ but I do. You see, culturally, we’re really good at fake laughs. The more professional an environment you work in, the better you probably are at this. Real laughter cannot be manipulated. It is a spontaneous gift that can only be received, embodied, and shared. I’m beginning to think real laughter is a strong predictor of wellness.
Real laughter cannot be manipulated. It is a spontaneous gift that can only be received, embodied, and shared.
In my grad school cohort, real laughter can be hard because we are such a diverse group. Jokes that some folks get, others don’t. Despite this, I’m not sure I’ve encountered such creative attempts to bring humor to the group as a whole. I’ve learned so much about inclusion from my classmates and professors. Ironically, the program’s culture has motivated me (more than most things) to take really good care of my body. When I do, I get the jokes, and I laugh. Really laugh.
Connection is built over days, weeks, or even months.
For my thesis research, I’ve begun to study fascinating constructs like “shared mental representations,” and “task-relevant information elaboration” (elaborating on specifically task-related ideas with people). These concepts are bigger than the all-too-nebulous “communication” because they emphasize a common idea inside two people’s brains simultaneously. That, my friends, is where real humor happens. I think it’s the fruit of what we all long for-- connection. Connection is built over days, weeks, or even months. Once the soil has been cultivated, humor can grow. And, I would argue, humor can grow in any well-kept garden, no matter how different the individuals that comprise the soil may be from one another. It just takes time and intention.
Time. Intention. Effort. Energy. These are your building blocks, your foundation from which you contribute yourself to the world. These are vulnerable, precious commodities. They are, perhaps, our most prized possessions (or maybe they should be). Think about the last time you got irritated, mean, or ugly. What was someone threatening that you needed to protect so violently? What made you snap and lose sight of a bigger picture? For me, I keep coming back to energy… I growl because either I don’t have enough energy at this moment, or, I’m scared someone will take my energy away from me. Time, in my mind, represents energy. When I feel my energy being threatened, I cannot laugh. But, when I use my choices and my willpower to regularly care for my physical being, my body overflows with energy, mobilizing me to move towards others: to communicate, to joke, to connect. When I breathe, eat, and move, suddenly I see that this makes sense. So, I grab a cultivator (yes, it’s actually called that!) and start digging.
But, when I use my choices and my willpower to regularly care for my physical being, my body overflows with energy, mobilizing me to move towards others: to communicate, to joke, to connect.
Have you laughed this week? Was it the good belly-laugh type or did it feel more superficial? In which relationships do you find you laugh the most?
Now, consider the communities in your life. How might you cultivate those soil beds for humor seeds? Perhaps, you’re in a season where you feel your energy is depleted. How can you restructure demands so your buckets get replenished? (What power do I have? How will I choose to use it?)
Remember, we are all learning to steer together. If it feels overwhelming, we can always begin by just taking a few long, deep breaths to take stock of where we are today.
(Maybe a nostalgic song on the ceiling will help; or a visit with three self-isolating grandmas.)
There is always something to laugh about today, even in the midst of tragedy. Find your seeds.
Be well today, friends.